#3: Friends with (work) benefits
The ups, downs, and in-betweens of mixing the personal with the professional
‘Wine and Whine’ was the way we branded our Wednesday evening hangouts. It was the height of lockdown no1 - drinking and complaining mid-week was fast becoming the norm, if not necessary. Despite the suggestion that remote working might make it harder for colleagues to connect, it was actually the way Yumi and I cemented our friendship. So much so that it grew into this little offshoot of our own newsletter.
For this issue, we’re exploring the topic of work friends - why the myths are rarely true, what happens when you start a company with your mate, and how to feel that little bit closer to your co-workers.
Keep it friendly,
Milly & Yumi
According to one study, two people need to spend 200 hours together to become close friends. When we spend so much time with colleagues, significantly more than we do with family or friends, it’s no surprise that deep relationships form in a work context. In fact, it would be a lonely old life if we didn’t like (at least some of) the people we worked with and research shows that having friends at work also makes for a strong business case.
Taking the concept of work friends one step further is the oh-so-Millenial phrase ‘work spouse’ (see also ‘work wife’ or ‘wusband’). This is a colleague with whom you have a particularly strong bond, to the point that it’s almost like a marriage - the big disclaimer being that it’s a platonic relationship.
However, there are some that believe the ‘dual relationship principle’ should be taken into account. This is a concept from psychotherapy that warns again client and therapist having a secondary, additional relationship dynamic. In a workplace, this principle could be extended to the relationship between manager and managee, for example, suggesting that if they were to become friends the working relationship would be hampered.
On the contrary, says Annie McKee, author of How to Be Happy at Work. McKee argues the ‘danger of work friends’ is a myth. Instead, she believes that your judgment will be clouded if you don’t know you’re colleagues well enough. Companies such as Aula are recognising this, encouraging their employees to spend 2-3 hours of their work week building friendships.
Of course, having work friends means some professional situations may become more complex to navigate but like any relationship, we take the rough with the smooth. Ultimately, in McKee’s words ‘We need friends at work because we’re human beings’.
Sam McKay & Cameron Epstein, Founders at inhabit
On being friends before co-founders
C: I’ve been going out with Holly, Sam’s sister, for 10 years. It was quite a few years until we became friends though. There was the odd time where Sam would take us on a night out. We were like ‘Oh my god, we’re going to London! So crazy out here, Sam is buying us cocktails!’
S: We crossed each other in my parents’ hallway, exchanged a glance, no words spoken… There was no ‘eureka’ moment but he chipped away at my defences and turned out to be a great guy. He is like family, you don’t really choose them but you do love them.
On reservations around starting a business together
C: Sam probably had the most reservations!
S: We never really spoke about it or gave it too much thought. It was like we just set off on a small project as mates and didn't think too much about the next bit. We focussed on solving a problem. I actually wonder how we would have fared if we would have weighed it up more…
On the dynamic of mixing personal with professional
C: I think we’re a lot stronger because of our personal ties. But at the same time, it also makes it difficult. When we go for a family meal, we probably talk less because we feel we’ll just end up talking about inhabit. And whereas in a normal environment you’d come home and bitch a bit to your partner about work, now, if I do that, it becomes a family thing that we need to resolve.
S: Everyone is involved. Whether we like it or not, they’re there.
On working with family
C: Our younger sisters help out as interns. One of them is a UX designer (Sam’s sister) and mine is a coder. It’s been really positive and negative in different ways. We got waaaay more feedback on how we are as managers (which turns out was awful according to my sister)!
S: When you have everyone so close in the same space, it’s also quite hard to feel that it’s a workplace. Obviously, I’ve known my sister since she was born… a long time now! And Cam’s sister for 10 years. This meant we didn’t have a certain level of seriousness from the get-go. If I try to give my sister some comments around attention to detail or punctuality (even a little bit), it’s just ‘straight back to mum!’
Ultimately, we love the setup we have but there is an added layer of complexity.
On maintaining an effective working relationship
S: It’s very easy to think about work all day, every day. You have to remember to be mates and go back to doing all the stupid stuff and talking nonsense. Not everything is serious.
C: We do emotional check-ins on each other. Not really in a hardcore framework style but just asking ‘How are you? Are you stressed? Do you feel shit? Cause I do!’ There are also times when you have questions about each other and we learnt to be really open and transparent about those questions. I remember I once needed Sam to tell me honestly that he didn’t think I was an idiot, just because that was a thing in my head. I was convinced he thought that. We had a lot of conversations like that and had to be more honest than you would ever be in a normal friendship.
S: You’ve got to just trust them. At the beginning, you talk and decide. About 4-5 months in, we’ve figured out our strengths and divided things and now we just trust that the person is doing something for a reason.
On helpful resources
Both: Managing Humans by Michael Lopp!
Frameworks & Actions
Why Friendships Among Remote Workers Are Crucial - Gallup
Having close relationships at work is one of the best ways to increase engagement and is particularly crucial when most of us are working remotely. Gallup talks through practical steps that improve engagement, such as understanding each other’s remote working patterns, strengths, weaknesses, and offering ways to connect based on complementary character traits.Managing The Dark Side of Workplace Friendships - Nancy Rothbard and Julianna Pilleme
Rothbard and Pilleme are researchers at Wharton, who encourage people to be mindful of the fact that workplace friendships are not always rosy. For all the joy that they bring, they can be emotionally taxing and lead to feelings of exclusion amongst other team members. More on how to enhance the benefits and manage the darker sides of workplace friendships at the link.10 Ways to Have a Better Conversation - Celeste Headlee
Good relationships start with good conversations. Here are ten ways in which you can improve yours.
Tools & Apps
An Online Platform for Guided Conversation Games - Icebreaker Video.
If having a big group on Zoom sometimes feels odd and uncomfortable, Icebreaker can help to change it up. You pick a topic, the game shows a series of questions that you and your randomly matched partner take turns to answer. Guaranteed fun.Group Cards to Celebrate Individuals - Illume Notes
Admit it, you’d love to read a group note from your team saying something nice to you. Illume Notes facilitates this process, celebrating every individual, and fostering a greater sense of inclusion.
A collaborative newsletter sharing stories from the team - Knit
An app that automatically generates a newsletter by collating your team's answers to weekly prompts. We’re promised that it brings the team closer through shared discovery and learning. Currently available through a waitlist.
And for a bit of perspective
Thanks for reading, see you next week for a special pre-holiday issue of WD!
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